The God’s Complex/ The Name of The Doctor
I think i figured this out! The Doctor saw John Hurt in his room in The God’s Complex
Has anyone considered that John Hurt isn’t a regeneration? Just an older version of 11?they look eerily similar….
I’m stuck. Trapped in quicksand and tar that keeps squeezing. I grab branches and vines thrown by friends and family that want to pull me out. But they snap. They break under my weight.
I hold my arms out flat. Keep your head up, that’s all that’s important.
Voices carry over from the river: Just swim, idiot. C’mon. We all took lessons so why are you having so much damn trouble with it. We are all just trying to stay above water, so why is it so damn hard for you?
The river is clear. Sure there are some obstacles but you can move around or over them. There is no suction pulling you under. No overwhelming forces trying to drown you. And if you get tired, others can reach you and swim with you. I am alone.
I know I’m not the only one. But those that are stuck too can only reach out and brush fingertips. We can not pull each other out. We can not help each other float. All we can do is console one another. Give a reason to not just say fuck the world and wriggle into the depths. I stay a float because I have people who can brush their fingers against mine.
But I’m stuck and I’m sinking.
We spend our whole lives testing limits. Pain, alcohol tolerance, speed, strength, etc. And sometimes, no matter how many times we are confronted with these limits, we never accept that they really exist. You go out for the enth time and end up sick in a bush…again. You go to lift that box full of books even though you KNOW you’ll hurt yourself.
Some limits, however, are not as clearly laid out. Particularly, for me at least, are the limits to what I can do in a day. I always stretch myself too thin and consistently double-book myself, ESPECIALLY when it involves helping someone else. I am that person who tries to fit in helping someone move before work or stays up all night to support a friend even though I have an early class. This is just what I do. More recently, I have tried to take on as many jobs as possible because I am finally able to do so (see extensive rant on anxiety, depression, and sleep apnea). Being so far in debt and feeling like I’m constantly taking advantage of peoples’ generosity gets tiresome after a while. Thus, I push myself to work as much as humanly possible. I never have been able to tell if I just have sever issues with obligations or if I’m just masochistic.
What I have a difficulty coming to terms with is that “humanly possible” is different for all humans. My possible is very different from the double-honours-in-chemistry-and-physics’ possible. Despite my limits being exponentially extended, they are still there and they are still much lower than a lot of people. And THIS I have finally accepted.
I started this summer with one job, working about 12 hours a week. Then I got a graveyard shift job. This I decide quite quickly was not going to work out. Lame monetarily, but big gold star for realizing after only one bout of tears. About halfway through the school break I started my second job in the Student Union Building bringing me to around 20 hours a week. This worked out great. I had time to slowly move into the work, I already knew most of the people, and it was all the same hours of operation. Fast forward another month or so and add one more job: Starbucks at the airport. Despite being a little far of a commute, the work is fine and my coworkers are great! I even get sent over to Airside a bit and get some bar experience. Between all three jobs, I total around 40-45 hours a week. Now add school starting with four upper level classes. And add on that I was re-elected as President of the English Course Union. I’m super stoked about it, but it is just one more thing to add onto the schedule. It is definitely hard (considering I have never worked this many hours a week at anything but a comfy desk job), but, my family and friends are proud of me; I’m proud of me. This is ACTUAL, VISIBLE IMPROVEMENT. I had honestly given up hope of ever being able to work a proper work week.
Downside: Within a week of school starting, I had already fallen behind on readings because what little time I have to myself I am spending trying to shut my brain off, not reading about Reformation Europe or noun clauses like I should be. I start to tell myself the same thing I always have: “If you would just do your fucking work, everything would be fine! But NO! You’re a lazy good-for-nothing that can’t do anything!!!”
But this time. For the first time. I say, “No. I’m not. I have done things in the last few months that I NEVER thought I would be able to. So fuck you self-deprecation. You don’t get me this time. I’m more than this. What’s the problem with wanting some time to yourself? Who has ever benefited from pushing full-tilt 24/7 their entire lives? Everyone needs a break now and again and just because I need longer breaks doesn’t make me lesser than anyone else.”
This is where I learned my limits. Sometimes, you just can’t do everything. Prioritize, then trim the bits that can be trimmed. Sometimes those things may not be what your parents or friends think are less important, but as long as you’re still functioning in society, screw ‘em.
So, I quit the airport. Maybe I could have continued working there if I dropped ECU or gave up my weekly gaming, but those are the things that keep me sane. If I lose those things I’d just break and couldn’t do all the other important stuff, like working. I’m still working out the bumps, but having accepted that there IS in fact a limit to what I can participate in in a week is improvement beyond my expectation and I will hold on to this as long as I can.
As it stands, I will be working about 30 hrs a week in the SUB, keeping up on my four classes, doing my best to be a hub for the ECU, and maintaining my sanity through friends and television. Sounds like a pretty good set up, eh?
And for any of you that think I’m lazy for quitting a job so I could have some me time, or that I’m whiny for wanting a day where I don’t have to leave the house:
You can go right ahead and unfollow me, defriend me, and promptly go fuck yourself.
And who knows? Maybe I’ll find some time to actually update this regularly and at a reasonable hour.
I know there have been a lot of people around me breaking up or being broken up with, so this goes out to all of you. The girls AND the boys. Just remember that just because things didn’t work out with this one person does NOT mean that you will be “forever alone” or that you failed. Things don’t work sometimes. When you quit a job because you are unhappy, you don’t consider it a failure, so don’t be upset that you aren’t compatible with someone. I love you all because you’re amazing (because, c’mon, I only hang out with awesome people) and I, along with so many other people that love you, will be there through the good and bad. You don’t need someone with a label “girlfriend/boyfriend” to be a great person.
Just be you. We love you.
Hausy was such a huge part of my life even after high school. He had an immense impact on my idea of the kind of teacher I want to be. My determination to become an amazing Social Studies teacher has been forged all the stronger now that there is one less in the school system. It had always been my hope that I could do my practicum with him because I knew that I would not only learn a ridiculous amount from him, but I would have the best time doing it. He really was a beautiful man, an ever present mentor, and, I would like to think, a friend. It saddens me greatly that I had lost touch with him after moving to Victoria. The last time I saw him was at my sister’s grad in 2011. You could tell he wasn’t feeling well, but he still came out like he did every year to support his students. He told me it was great to hear I was doing well and was finally moving towards going into teaching, and gave me one of his awesome Hausy hugs. I will always fondly remember AP Socials and Student Government as being some of my greatest moments at Garibaldi. I feel blessed and privileged to have been taught by such a fantastic man.
That’s it. I just wonder. Far too often in fact.
I am a FIRM believer in maintaining a sense of wonder no matter your age or life experience, (I mean look at the 11th Doctor) but I feel like I waste my life because I wonder just a little too much.
A feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
This is good wonder. There is SO MUCH IN THIS FREAKIN AMAZING WORLD TO BE FILLED WITH WONDER BY! I mean, look at the platypus;
LOOK AT IT! This thing is glorious. Everything about it just goes completely against our sense of how the world should work and yet IS SO FREAKIN ADORABLE!
Or take a trip up a mountain and just look. Look at how MASSIVE our world is. How vast. How expansive. And then remind yourself that there are other places in the universe that would take MILLIONS OF YEARS travelling at the SPEED OF LIGHT to get to! Wow. We are a speck in the grand scheme of the universe, and yet that still makes us no less than masterpieces of creation. Our world just HAPPENED to develop in such a way that we were able to evolve into the ridiculously complex creatures that we are (both physically and mentally). And I mean….Platypus. Need I say more?
Desire or be curious to know something.
Now this ^. This is the wonder that gets me in trouble. I always wonder how things could have gone different. Could things have worked out better if I had turned left instead of right. Said yes instead of no. Actually woken up with my alarm. Followed through with a plan for once. Hell, this goes so far that I spend absurd amounts of time watching tv shows and movies because I’m so scared I will miss out on something. And yet, I waste even more time staring at tumblr or facebook because I just can’t bring myself to take action. Wondering what could happen halts me. So many things have gone badly in my life because of choices I made that the idea of having to make a decision is terrifying. ”Well, I guess I could eat, but what if people come over and THEY haven’t eaten yet and end up getting a different food that I end up wanting more than the food I ate and I will want that food but I’ve already bought my other food and I’m kinda full from that but maybe I could eat more by then….but maybe I should just wait.” The potential actions hold so much promise and joy. It is easier to wonder which one would been best that to wonder “Did I make the wrong choice?” Because, sure that sandwich was delicious…but would the pasta have been better? Would getting that pasta have fulfilled my life that much more? All potential life options are far to important for me to be in charge of deciding which choice is best, so they stay just that: potential.
What I forget, and what I think most people forget, is this; somewhere along the road, you made a good choice. It doesn’t matter how inane that choice is. Maybe you chose to NOT rob a bank. Thus staying out of jail and saving yourself a lot of trouble in the long run, even though at the time it would seem like a great solution. Or maybe you chose to not kill yourself. Sure at the time it looked like the only option, but hey, this isn’t just a sandwich. A sandwich you can save for later if you realize after that you really you want something else. So really, having those options at all is a choice you make. And a damn fine one at that.
Never wonder what the world would be like without you. Because we are all here for a reason, and we are all here for each other. No matter how big the choices ahead maybe. No matter how overwhelming the potential outcomes. Wondering about the future is not allowed to end your ability to experience true WONDERMENT.
And the next time you feel like a choice is just too difficult:
Pick a road and stick to it.
And remember that no matter where that road leads you….
Somewhere out there…
This exists v